Part 14 - Sadness

Part 14 – Sadness

“The weight of this sad time we must obey,

Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say.

The oldest hath borne most: we that are young

Shall never see so much, nor live so long.”

– Shakespeare, King Lear

Dimanche came to visit from another School, one where they took French names instead of Chinese and Japanese.

She found Qindao and Tashiki sitting on what they had adopted as “their log” in the Water Garden. She bowed and offered her greetings and respect. The men rose and did likewise.

Together they watched the ducks glide across the pond, and the koi-carp schools weave the yin-yang of nature under the surface. It was a time of deep contemplation.

The sensei at her school taught Dimanche to be as observant and curious as the Master did for the men. She found a point in Tashiki about which she wanted to know more.

“Tashiki,” she started, “why are you sad all the time?”

He looked at her, and she held his gaze without doubt, and without judgment. He felt from her a desire to understand. Qindao, on the other hand, looked at his friend with his own sad irony on his face.

Tashiki dropped his eyes to his sandals.

“There is much to tell.”

“So it is for all of us.” Dimanche was persistent, like the young Bento, but with more tact. “But why for you is the sadness so heavy?”

Qindao nudged his friend. “Tell her. Start with Byoujixyaku. Oishii got you to talk about her, a little bit. You need to tell this tale.”

Behind his steady gaze, the hot sensation of welling tears came to Tahiki's eyes.

“Dimanche, first let me thank you for asking. The honor is in the telling and I ask that you accept my gift with the grace and wisdom you have already shown. Second, sadness is built in to me. I have lived with depression since adolescence. As naturally as I breathe and walk, I feel less joyful than most other people. It is part of the reason I am here. This is my refuge and my school. I find peace here most days, and I find paths, or hints of paths, to happiness here.

“But there is a particular event that defines the weight of my sadness more than anything else.

“I was married before, if you believe that. Twice even. And a girlfriend with whom I lived for nearly ten years. I had purposefully and strongly resisted the custom of marrying straight out of college. My relationships there were tumultuous and fraught with too-heightened emotions.

“Some time after I'd been on my own, I reconnected with one of the girlfriends from college. It was supposed to be a normal, friendly, non-threatening, kind of gathering of friends. Instead, I fell in love with her all over again. There is wisdom in not going back, but I did. I thought it would work. I had what I thought was a moment of clarity where I could extract myself from the relationship I was in and make a better life for myself with her.

“Before you start with the armchair analysis, know that I have addressed in myself all the problems of going back to someone old, starting something new before ending the something old, rushing forward without any time to grieve and reset. I was young, headstrong, and foolish. All these things add to the weight of sadness that you ask about.

“She and I made a good run of it. We were together three years while I was in graduate school and after, then another four years married while we worked on our careers. The devolution of that relationship is for another story. Except to say that it set the stage for Byoujixyaku.

“I knew Byoujixyaku for many years professionally. We spoke frequently and bonded with a good friendship. I learned of her family and her situation. She had a young daughter and was divorcing from her father. She had a medical condition that was causing her intense pain and fainting. No one could explain it. But, she was always all smiles, fun, engaging, interested in the same things I was interested in. She taught me about things that were new to me and important to her. She learned from me the things I felt important.

“Until one summer something clicked. I was visiting her home town for a corporate event by her company. We became inseparable. All week long we were together, and all week long I resisted every urge to take her into my arms and kiss her. For all the times we were alone, we barely touched each other.

“But I could not get her out of my head.

“The summer continued into the fall. Byoujixyaku and I continued to speak frequently for work issues, but then started finding excuses to talk to each other outside of work. Keep in mind this was in the era before text messages, and the only reason I had a cell phone was for my consulting business and I never used it.

“We would cheat phone calls in the middle of the night. We would turn professional calls into phone sex during the day. It was an emotional mess.

“All the while, my marriage was falling apart. My wife and I drifted apart. We didn't agree on much of anything any longer. It's not like we didn't care about each other. I was, as noted before, young and foolish. So was she.

“The company started to recruit me and Byoujixyaku made a strong case to hire me away from my consulting business. Take me into their city, into their work, take me into her arms.

“I took the chance. My wife and I moved there. I knew that I was unhappy where I was, and I knew that the marriage was in trouble. I took the chance that even though I was running into the arms of this other woman, that I could somehow find the space to determine what to do about my marriage.

“That was the first and second bargain that I made with myself in this misadventure.

“I convinced myself that I could go there, right there near to, working with Byoujixyaku and not be affected by what I felt for her. I convinced myself that I could work out the dissolution or continuation of my marriage there. It was exceptionally unfair of me to do that, and there starts the weight of the sadness. I started to hurt, deeply and irrevocably, the woman I love.

“Eventually, the unavoidable happened. My wife found an e-mail. It's not even like she was snooping. We shared a computer. She went to send an e-mail on her account, but had to use the shared software to do it. While sending hers, a racy one came in to me from Byoujixyaku. Yup. She read it.

“I was on the road on a customer site. When I spoke to her that evening, she laid it out for me. I had better finish up my work and come home.

“This was the next bargain I made with myself. I said that I could continue a friendship with Byoujixyaku without interfering with the repair of the marriage. She would have none of that, of course. She asked for a divorce. I agreed. Less than four months after we moved there together, she moved out.

“My bargain had failed. My sadness gained weight.

“I could not afford to live in the apartment any more. Byoujixyaku had rented a house for her and her daughter. I moved in with them. My next bargain was that I could be a good room mate even if it came with benefits, and that I could clear my head of the divorce before continuing on with Byoujixyaku.

“Looking back, it's clear to me that she wanted me to move much more quickly than that. And she got me to. A year after the divorce, I asked her to marry me, and a year after that we did.

“The next set of bargains were that I could get a second chance at being a husband. I could be more attentive, more caring, more in tune with her needs. I could be a decent step-father and maybe, just maybe, even a decent father to our own child when it happened. I had never wanted children. She convinced me that I did. More bargaining. More weight.

“We purchased a beautiful house together. A design flaw was that the computer room was well separated from the rest of the living area. As much time as I spent on the computer made her feel that I was ignoring her. As much time as I spent with her made me feel that I couldn't play on the computer and pursue my profession and hobby.

“More bargaining. More weight.

“Still, we were having fun. Our lives developed, and we took care of each other. Her pain and fainting finally came to a critical point, and I took her to the emergency room. Finally a diagnosis was possible because her kidney had separated itself into two noticeable sections.

“I took care of her during her operation and recovery. Maybe I could have spent more time with her in the hospital. I felt like I had been there enough. Maybe with a different woman I would have never wanted to leave. Young. Foolish. Bargaining. Weight.

“What I did do for her, though, was buy her lavish gifts. I was making good money and had no expenses. I bought her the antique ring she wanted. I paid for a great Winter Ball themed party for the wedding. I brought her jewelry and gifts from the places I went for work.

“The company in one of its moments of insanity fired her and kept me. She did not take that well at all. It put me in a difficult position of standing up for her at work and standing up for work at home. More bargaining.

“She wanted another child. She convinced me that I was ready to be a father. I believed her. More bargaining.

“The end started this way.

“The company, the same one which had just fired her, won an important contract in the city where I had lived. My boss offered me the position of being the on-site manager for the transition. It all made sense, I knew the place and the people. I could work as a solo performer. It would be only a year, and I would be home every other weekend.

“That was three months after the wedding. Byoujixyaku wanted to be pregnant. Byoujixyaku wanted me at home. With her. Not back in the city that she admittedly loved too, but did not want me back there.

“More bargaining. She was inconsolable.

“Starting a month later, I moved and started with the client. Again, that requires a story of its own. The summary is that work daily was an endless assault on me personally and professionally with a refrain of Your Software Sucks, Your Company Sucks, and You Suck. It was not healthy. I persevered. More bargaining. More weight.

“Home life also turned sour. Phone calls to Byoujixyaku also became the refrain of Your Company Sucks, Your Software Sucks, and You Suck.

“I had no escape. The weight builds, and the bargains start to fail.

“Scant two months later, a friend tells me she is auditioning my replacement. In our bed.

“I came home for one of the weekends I was to come home, she didn't come home until the day after, not wearing her wedding ring. The weight builds.

“I had maintained my composure somewhat. I even washed the sheets from the bed. How's that for a misplaced bargain?

“We went to a marriage counselor. Her only position was divorce. I had not bother coming home any more. I was unwelcome in my own house.

“My bargains began to fall. The weight builds.

“Other pieces of the episode fall into place. She had her new boyfriend take one of my cats to the vet to be put down. The other one she let live. More weight.

“Nine months after that, we were divorced. Married for 15 months total. All failure. I bought her two different houses. I bought her a new car (that I still drive, thank you). I forgave her her infidelity. None of it was enough. She brought the child of her new boyfriend to the divorce proceedings. I was thrown out and all my bargains for a better life evaporated and left behind only an impossible weight of terrible sadness that I still cannot completely leave behind me.

“She left me with that emotional wound, and thousands of dollars of debt, no home to return to, and no job to come back to.”

Dimanche wiped away a tear.

Tashiki continued. “My city was attacked while I watched the smoke rise out my window. My brother died. And I finally quit my job for what I thought was going to be a better adventure. That, too, deserves its own story.”

Tashiki breathed heavily. Qindao gave him a big hug.

Dimanche appeared devastated.

“How have you survived?”

“I nearly did not. Nikki-chan saved me. I was ready to end it. Reboot. Reset. She took me in at her place for a weekend and made sure I was never alone. She has my gratitude forever for that above all the other reasons she is a remarkable person whom I continue to love deeply.

Dimanche stood and bowed. “May I hug you?”

Tashiki smiled and held out his arms.

“No matter my own struggles,” he told her while accepting her embrace, “I do have care and love for my friends. That seems to be my one last and only bargain. It seems to work.”

Dimanche held him and would not let go. Qindao wrapped his arms around them both.

Thus endeth the lesson, let us meditate upon it.

Sounds of Silence, by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkle

Hello darkness, my old friend

I've come to talk with you again

Because a vision softly creeping

Left its seeds while I was sleeping

And the vision that was planted in my brain

Still remains

Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone

Narrow streets of cobblestone

'Neath the halo of a street lamp

I turned my collar to the cold and damp

When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light

That split the night

And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw

Ten thousand people, maybe more

People talking without speaking

People hearing without listening

People writing songs that voices never share

And no one dared

Disturb the sound of silence

"Fools", said I, "You do not know

Silence like a cancer grows

Hear my words that I might teach you

Take my arms that I might reach you"

But my words, like silent raindrops fell

And echoed

In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed

To the neon god they made

And the sign flashed out its warning

In the words that it was forming

And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls

And tenement halls"

And whispered in the sounds of silence

Part 13 - Fat

Part 13 – Fat.

“A lot of bread and gangs of meat

Oodles of butter and somethin sweet

Gallons of coffee to wash it down

Bicarbonated soda by the pound

Then throw me smack dab in the middle”

• Joe Williams and the Count Basie Orchestra, written by Charles Calhoun

---

The Master sat with Oishii in the dining hall after lunch. The two of them watched Tashiki and Qindao stare at their plates.

“I am glad that you have stayed on and taken over the kitchen for us, Oishii,” The Master began. “Please tell me what those two are doing.”

Oishii gave The Master a brief bow of thanks and gratitude then began her explanation.

“They have been like this for weeks. Morning, noon, and night, they have me bring them a single slice of orange, a solitary leaf of spinach, and one lone grain of rice. They thank me. I offer them the choices from the menu. They politely decline. Every time.

“The will take their time to chew on the spinach leaf. It is raw, mind you. Then they will eat the slice of orange.

“But that is not the most disturbing part of their new ritual.

“They leave the grain of rice on the plate in front of them. Then sit. They stare at their own grain to the exclusion of all else. We clean around them. Their plates are barely dirty, so we let them be.

“But that is all they will do. Stare at that last piece of what passes for their meals recently.”

The Master was concerned. “Do we know if they are eating outside of the School?”

Oishii shrugged and lifted her hands in the position that combines the thought of “I hope so” and “I do not know.”

The two sat for a moment longer to finish their own after-dinner meditation, and to enjoy the company they share. A brief hug between The Master and The Cook, “I appreciate that you brought this to my attention.” Oishii smiled with hope and concern.

Tashiki and Qindao sat near the end of the long table, across from each other. This made it cery convenient for The Master to pull a chair to the table's end and sit ostensibly between the two.

The two students acknowledged the presence of their teacher, but said little to him or to each other. The Master decided that was enough for the moment. Ho took in the feeling of the moment, of the place. He tried to absorb into himself what it was that his two students had taken it upon themselves to do. It felt intense to him, and very confused.

Finally, he asked.

“Gentlemen, what in the name of Mencius are you doing?”

The students squirmed a little in their chairs. An explanation was not easily coming from either of them, but The Master would not stand for silence long. Especially after he has asked a direct question.

The Master picked Qindao as his target. He looked at Qindao's eyes even though they made no contact. Qindao would be come restless under the steady gaze, but it is Tashiki who gives in to the tactic.

It worked.

“All right! I'll tell you.”

Qindao let out an audible sigh of relief.

“Sensei, Qindao and I are unhappy.”

The Master nodded, “That is not news, Tashiki.”

Tashiki continued, “We decided that we had let ourselves become poisoned by the food we were eating. There was nothing we could consume that would nourish us and maintain our health. We could have one or the other. The very act of eating was destructive to our health.”

The Master started to see where the confusion came from.

Qindao jumped in, “Instead of taking in the poison, we decided to focus on the things that we knew we would need the most. Orange for the citrus, spinach for the iron. And a single grain of rice.”

Qindao and Tashiki seemed very proud of themselves. The Master started poking into their theory.

“That part interests me the most. Only one grain of rice? And you never eat it?”

“That was my idea,” said Tashiki. All the energy a person could need for a day is contained in a single grain of rice. You frequently use the rice as a metaphor for potential. We decided to see how much we could get from a grain by only letting it fill us with its presence.”

“Boys, you know that's about the stupidest thing I've heard in a long while.”

“Yes, sensei,” they both said nearly simultaneously. It was a moment of unwilling truth.

“Why don't you tell me what's really going on here?”

Qindao started, “Sensei, I dislike how I feel after I eat. I always have. I can not seem to find the right combination of foods that will keep me nourished, energetic, and healthy. I have tried everything. And now, my doctor tells me that I may have Adult Onset Diabetes and Metabolic Syndrome. You know how carefully I try to take care of my body, and yet it has come to this. I feel betrayed, cheated, manipulated, and cornered. All the choices I made, out of educated regimen or unfortunate ignorance, and now I am in a position where my body, the very factory that I cultivate here at the School,is damaged beyond repair. I will die having seen pieces of my body that I care for so much die before me.

“I am a failure and I do not deserve to eat.”

The Master let that hang in the air a moment. Then, “Tashiki?”

“Sensei, it is no secret to you nor to the other students that my mind is clouded. I study, I learn, I discover, I can analyze and synthesize with some of the most elaborate minds that you have brought to us. But every day is a fight to keep my thoughts organized. Every day is a struggle to remember what I have learned even the day before. Every day I fight to make myself remember who it is that I am and to find comfort in that.

“There is no comfort. I assault my mind with chemicals, and do what I can to feed my mind with healthy foods. None of it works. No matter what I eat and how I eat, my mind continues to race, continues to lie to me, continues to distort what I see and experience. The food only gives my evil mind more fuel with which to perpetuate its lies.

“I, too, am a failure and do not deserve to eat.”

The Master had to take a moment to collect himself. The pain of his students sank into him. Behind his thoughtful exterior, he wept.

“So, you two have decided that starvation is the solution?”

“Yes, Sensei.”

“You will die, you know.”

“Yes, Sensei.”

“You have forgotten pleasure.”

“Yes, Sensei.”

The Master thought one more moment. “Yes, indeed.”

---

Thus endeth the lesson. Let us meditate upon it.

Fat, by The Violent Femmes (Songwriter: Gordon Gano)

I hope

you got

fat

cause if you got

really fat

you just might want to see me come back

I don't care

how heavy or how skinny

just gimme

something to love

a little extra weight would never look no nicer on nobody else but you

and I could always use a little bit more

to hold on to

and if I get a fright in the middle

of the night I'll cling to you

Part 12 - Impermanence

Part 12 - Impermanence

Nothing in the world is permanent, and we're foolish when we ask anything to last, but surely we're still more foolish not to take delight in it while we have it. If change is of the essence of existence one would have thought it only sensible to make it the premise of our philosophy.
-- W. Somerset Maugham

Tashiki and Qindao were pruning in the Flower Garden with The Master. Bento was near by raking leaves and sticks that had collected under some of the trees.

Tashiki looked up from the Azaleas to see Oishii tending vegetables in her plot of the garden.

"Sensei," he asked The Master, "why are there so few women in The School?"

The Master stopped his work and stepped back from his plant. He took a moment, but never really looked up from the flower that was in his hand a moment ago. Qindao noticed genuine sadness in the Master's eyes.

"Of all the things I know I do not understand," he began, "I understand women even less."

He stopped there for a few moments until he realized that neither Qindao nor Tashiki had moved to return to their own work without a better answer than that.

"The come to The School infrequently. I make sure that they are welcomed, treated with honor and respect like all other students here, and given the freedom to find their way. In practice, they rarely come to the Meditations or to the Lessons. They find a place for themselves in one of the Gardens, stay for a while to make it their own, and then they leave."

Tashiki asked the obvious, "Do not they seek guidance and enlightenment?"

Sensei snapped a quick look of rebuke at Tashiki's foolish question. "Of course they do. Often, their path lies elsewhere. Frequently, for whatever reasons they bring in here with them, they do not look for assistance nor companionship from us. They have their own way."

The men considered that and felt the Master's sadness that he could not be as much of himself as he wishes and still be an effective teacher to the women who came into The School.

Qindao saw how The Master had looked as Tashiki and chose to phrase his question more elegantly. "Sensei, is there a difference in enlightenment for men from enlightenment in women?"

The Master noted the irony in that it was Qindao who was able to express the more delicate thought in this case instead of Tashiki.

"My teachers all said 'Yes' when I was learning. I do not think that is the case. I take into account the basic biology of women in that they are the carriers of new life whereas men are not given that kind of gift. The women I have spoken to tell me that is a great sensation that men will never know. It is part of what defines the female and it is part of what gives power to the feminine. Look a the Tao and see that the female creates, but the male destroys. Look at how our customs and cultures have evolved in the East and in the West to see that the women, who are true to their own nature, are by and large creative, and the men are, by and large, destructive."

Bento, full of impetuous Youth interrupted, "Sensei, that is not the case! Men and women are both capable of creation and destruction."

He was prepared to carry on at great length until he saw the look of disapproval in The Master's face.

"You have a lot to learn still, Young Bento. You and your women friends may be on equal footing now. The tidal forces of culture are mostly irresistible. Push against them for all your might for it is important that many things be changed. But do not expect to see progress in your lifetime. That kind of transcendence is rare, hard fought, and costly."

"Sensei." Bento bowed and returned to the rake.

Tashiki asked, "Who is Oishii?"

The Master took a moment to look over at her with some sense of pride. "She came to us a few weeks ago, perhaps two months or so. Her path is complicated, and there is little I can do for her except to listen and make her feel comfortable. She tends her garden here because it satisfied a need in her to tend life. She spends so much of her time outside The School tending lives that will most likely have exceptionally difficult paths of their own, she needs this place to remind her of the more simple pleasures."

"Will she join us?" Qindao wanted to know.

"I do not know."

"How long will she stay with us?" This time Tashiki.

"As long as she would like."

Each turned back to their own flowers as they tended them and thought about the impermanence they just discovered in themselves.

Thus endeth the lesson. Let us meditate upon it.

Ruby Tuesday by The Rolling Stones
Songwriters: JAGGER, MICK / RICHARDS, KEITH

She would never say where she came from

Yesterday don't matter if it's gone

While the sun is bright

Or in the darkest night

No one knows

She comes and goes

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday

Who could hang a name on you?

When you change with every new day

Still I'm gonna miss you...

Don't question why she needs to be so free

She'll tell you it's the only way to be

She just can't be chained

To a life where nothings gained

And nothings lost

At such a cost

There's no time to lose, I heard her say

Catch your dreams before they slip away

Dying all the time

Lose your dreams

And you will lose your mind.

Ain't life unkind?

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday

Who could hang a name on you?

When you change with every new day

Still I'm gonna miss you...

Part 11 – Change is in the Doing

Part 11 – Change is in the Doing


I was born not knowing and have had only a little time to change that here and there.
 -- Richard Feynman (1918 – 1988)

---

Bento took a moment to consider all that Tashiki had said.  He looked at Qindao and asked, "And you?"


Qindao smiled with a touch of grimace.  The time away from The School had hot been easy for him either.


"My friend Tashiki studies to be a Scholar.  I study to be a Warrior.  Both of us have struggled on our paths.  We challenge each other, and support each other, but ultimately each of us have to pursue our chosen path alone.


"While Tashiki was pondering the nature of Love, I was confronted with the quandry of action and inaction.  At what point does one allow things to happen, as opposed to taking up arms against a sea of troubles?"


Bento challenged Qindao in return, "Shakespeare will not save you now."


Tashiki laughed quietly at that.


"It is no secret that I was unhappy where I was.  It's not that I disliked the people, or the circumstances.  I really did love them all.  I felt trapped, cornered, and exiled.  There is a lot of that I still feel.  I had to make a change, though.


"For me, Change is in the Doing.  Tashiki disagrees.  He says that Change is in the Thinking.  We fight about this all the time.


"You may have heard some of my story, Young Bento, from other students.  I am no stranger to Radical Disconnect.  I have done it, more than once which kind of defeats the purpose, but there you have it.  I have had some success in redefining my life and my surroundings on my own terms.  This time is different.


"Aka had come with me to this new place.  She stayed for a while.  She decided that this place was not for her, and neither was I.  She has left.  I am sad, and relieved, and confused.  But she has done what she felt she needed to do.  Change is in the Doing.


"I continue to be surprised at the amount of grief I continue to feel about her departure.  I should be able to grab on to the positive things for her and for me, but many time I can not.  Tashiki tries to explain that to me, but I do not understand as well as he does.


"So, I try to find things to Do that will support my Change.  It is not easy.  I crave structure.  I crave the stability of a path, a game, rules that define progress. The Master, and the rest of the students take great delight in showing me where that is completely wrong.  Even Tashiki reminds me nearly daily that there is no success other than what I make on my own terms.


"To me that does not make sense.  I can choose a mediocre level of success and easily attainable goal and call it success.  What good is that?  I revile the people in the world who celebrate good enough as Good Enough.  I have no respect for people who call themselves successful just because they can.  I want to ask them, what have you really done to affect change?  What have you done that makes you a better person than you were yesterday?  What have you done that makes me want to be near you?


"And yet, I know that is completely inside-out, backward, and wrong.  Each person has their own path.  Each person must define success on their own terms.  The problem lies in the language and expression more than it does in the heart.  There are not separate words for personal progress as opposed to generalized success and victory."


Qindao paused pondering something that he just revealed in himself.


Bento took some time to respect Qindao's thoughts.  But then he pressed on, "That still doesn't explain where you've been, Qindao-tzu."


Qindao sighed, heavy and audible.  "No, it does not."


Qindao stood and took a few steps over to the edge of the pond.  The two others watched.  Qindao looked into the water to see the koi and carp circle each other.  He saw the yin and yang they represent, the light and the dark, creation and destruction, male and female.  


The garden stood still for a moment in time.  The leaves still rustled in the breeze, the water ran, the fish swam, and the ducks made small quack sounds.  Time had stopped for Qindao, though.  


He was on the edge of something.  he did not know what.


Perhaps this was his destiny.  He always felt on the edge of something and never quite there.  Always... never.

---

Thus endeth the lesson let us meditate upon it.


Changes, by David Bowie


Still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets and
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But Ive never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
Im much too fast to take that test


Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time


I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence
So the days float through my eyes
But stil the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through


Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Don't tell them to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Wheres your shame
Youve left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time


Strange fascination, fascinating me
Ah changes are taking the pace Im going through


Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Oh, look out you rock n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Pretty soon now you're gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time

Part 10 – A Love Like No Other

Part 10 – A Love Like No Other

“Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.”-- Bertrand Russell

Tashiki and Qindao remained sitting with Bento in the Water Garden. Time had passed, the sun was a little lower in the sky. Other students had come and gone, to say hello, welcome back, we missed you.

Qindao had known that something was on Bento's mind for quite a while. He tired of waiting for the young student to ask. “What's on your mind, Bento?”

Bento was not startled by the direct question. That is good training. He is learning how to be present in the moment and adapt to rapid and unexpected changes.

“I want to know where you went.” It was a bold question. Qindao and Tashiki silently acknowledged to each other that the kid was learning well.

Tashiki started with his answer first. “I had something I could no longer pursue within the grounds of The School. Threads of my life outside these walls were coming unraveled. I had to take what I had learned so far in here and make practical, real-world application of it.”

Bento knew there was more to the story. He searched his own skills for the right question that would unlock the next piece. “What made you think that, Tashiki-san?”

Tashiki was caught a little off guard by the question. The kid hit home on a sensitive subject. It had been years since he left The School and even though he thought about it every day, he had not come back until today. The reason he left was not complicated. It was surprisingly simple.

“I saw a poster in a novelty store while I was out shopping.”

Bento sensed he had hit the right button, and gave one more prod. “What did it say?”

Tashiki thought back to that day. “It was a poster that listed the twelve zodiac signs, and with each was a brief phrase describing what sex is like for that sign. Except for Taurus. For Taurus it said, 'A Love Like No Other'. Why is that? It is a silly joke of sexual word-play, but that the Taurus one, which I would notice of course, is the one that was so different. I could not get it out of my head.

“It bothered me. I felt like it was accusing me of some sort of weakness. I must stay strong, I told myself. Perhaps what I am learning about my Love Like No Other is that I can live in it, live in its moment, and survive.

“Listening to The Doors "Touch Me" I had a thought. I may not always like you, but my love is forever. That seemed to be something true about me. My friend Oishii says I should be more forgiving of people in my life like Byoujixyaku. She says I should use her real name, for example. The point is that I was telling her the story and used a phrase like "Somewhere in the worst, coldest, darkest, most uncomfortable place in my heart, there is a place for her." I may not always like you, but my love is forever.

“I question whether I have a love like no other. Surely I can not be the only one who feels this way, or feels love like I do. I am wondering if that is the case. No one talks about love, of course. There is nothing in our own culture that allows for the free expression, even verbally and in writing, of personal authentic love experiences, good and bad. Love is, for lack of a better term, romanticized. Love is treated differently.

“Other cultures allow Love into their lives in a very personal and open way. We talk about having no expectations placed on Love, but that is a lie. We do it all the time. We expect Love to sweep us off out feet, conquer all, and be the One True Thing in a life. That is all crap. I find myself back to considering that I used to call The Effing Fairy Tale. It is the idealized, romanticized, vision of Love that we all are indoctrinated with as children and into adulthood. If it is not all encompassing, all consuming, life altering, destruction of the foes and elevation of the one desired, then it is not Love at all, but some crude imitation.

“I suggest that the opposite is true. The destructive expression of Love like that is authentic surely, but is not sustainable. It does not come from a healthy place.

“It may allow some who are diligent to open a door to a healthy place, but that is, I think, a rarity. Those who enter Love through the Fairy Tale are destined to misery.

“Those who enter love through humility and surprise are more likely to find something that lasts. A Love Like No Other.

“And yet that is not quite right. Humility I think is one aspect. Surprise gives me pause. It is not the right word.

“I, for one, am no longer surprised when I fall in love. Frankly, I am surprised when I do not. I try not to take it for granted. Public record shows that my success rate with that is less than exemplary.”

Qindao could not hold back his snicker at this. “Qindao thinks I'm an idiot.”

“I do,” Qindao piped in, “but no more so than I am. Please continue.”

“I shall, my friend, thank you.

“Surprise is not the word that I want. I am surprised at how my love endures for some so far over time, distance, and even dislike as noted earlier. There is some awe in me as well, even though "Falling in Love" is a daily occurrence.

“Perhaps I am coming to understand that Love demands a certain openness from me. That, for whatever reason, my Weakness-Strength, my Vulnerability-Advantage, is A Love Like No Other. It is a part of me and demands to be treated as such. As much as I cannot write with my left hand as well as I can with my right, I cannot love like all others as well as I can Love Like No Other.

“Of course, that exposes the vulnerability in me underneath the jaded, sarcastic, pessimistic, Arrogant Prick that I am. None of that is an act. I really am all those things. I am demanding, selfish, uncompromising, elitist, snobbish, and at times (most times maybe) an Arrogant Prick. What all that masks is that I come with a Love Like No Other, my Love is forever.

“I suppose that makes me more unusual than it does different. I do not think that I am the only one. I may be wrong that we who feel and live this way are the minority. It could be that everyone is like that and I have not yet seen it.

“I love that it might be true.”

Thus endeth the lesson. Let us meditate upon it.

Touch Me by The Doors
Songwriters: Densmore, John; Krieger, Rob; Morrison, Jim; Manzarek, Ray;

Yeah!

Come on, come on, come on

Come on now touch me, baby

Can't you see that I am not afraid?

What was that promise that you made?

Why won't you tell me what she said?

What was that promise that you made?

Now, I'm gonna love you

Till the heavens stop the rain

I'm gonna love you

Till the stars fall from the sky for you and I

Come on, come on, come on

Come on now touch me, baby

Can't you see that I am not afraid?

What was that promise that you made?

Why won't you tell me what she said?

What was that promise that you made?

I'm gonna love you

Till the heavens stop the rain

I'm gonna love you

Till the stars fall from the sky for you and I

I'm gonna love you

Till the heavens stop the rain

I'm gonna love you

Till the stars fall from the sky for you and I

Stronger than dirt

Part 9 – Eternal Return

Part 9 – Eternal Return

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.

Nelson Mandela (1918 - ), 'A Long Walk to Freedom'

Tashiki and Qindao met at the front gates for the School. They took a moment and sheepishly gave each other a big hug.

"It's been too long, my friend," started Tashiki.

Qindao felt the same. "It has."

They walked together through the gates back onto the grounds of the School. They were too late in the day for Morning Meditations. If they stayed late enough they may participate in the Evening Lesson, but they had not yet decided.

Together they walked through the Grounds. They greeted and were greeted by the other students whom they had not seen for so long. It felt home, it felt good. They both took into themselves a sense of place and satisfaction, wonder and humility, power and grace, that they had both lost since their last visit to the School.

They came to the Water Garden and found a place on a bench.

The Master had guided the Students well in the upkeep of the Garden. The bench had been made of a large Birch that fallen in the Garden some time ago. The students had to cut it into usable pieces, age and cure the wood, then finally figure out what to do with it. They chose a design that allowed for the natural flow of the wood to support itself and create a bench.

They had done well.

The Water Garden may be the most wild and seemingly unkempt portion of the Grounds. It wraps around above the Rock Garden and features a stream that flows from the Flower Garden above to the Koi Pond below. In the center it has its own pond. Ducks and other water birds gather there. The local animals feed and drink here.

The Master had installed a Deer Stick in this Garden. The traditional design is a hollowed out bamboo shoot that will collect water in itself until it overcomes the balance. It tips forward, empties all its water, and falls back on its sealed end again making a "thud" loud enough to scare off the deer.

The Students ask why the other animals were welcome, but not the deer. The Master, uncharacteristically ungracious, noted that the "damn deer" ate all the plants and damaged the trees.

"They can come back," he said, "when they are old enough not to be scared by the bamboo stick. That's when they know better than to eat everything in sight."

There are few deer in the Garden. But some.

"What brought you back, Tashiki?"

"Unfinished business."

Silence. Both. Mutual acknowledgment and understanding of the reasons they were both back.

One of the new students approached them. He called himself "Bento". He had not been with the school long enough yet for a better School Name to be found.

"We missed you," he said. "The Master told us you would be back when you are ready."

Tashiki and Qindao sheepishly grinned. They knew that was right, it always had been right, and always will be right.

"We had things we needed to do," Tashiki offered.

"That's kind of a bullshit answer, Tashiki-san, if I may say so."

Qindao burst out laughing.

"Yeah, I suppose it is."

Bento had taken a seat on the rocks in front of them. Tashiki and Qindao realized they had unwittingly placed themselves in the position of Teacher.

The three sat for a wile longer and listened to the running water. Students in the other Gardens laughed, argued, sang, made noises that floated up through the trees. All the sounds mix together into a babble that resembles the water flowing over the rocks out of the pond.

"Bento," Qindao started, "You will come to love the School as much as you know we do. But this is not reality. The Master demands a lot of us while we are in here with him. We tend the gardens, we participate in the Meditations and Lessons. You will have a time when he starts to press you on what you do outside of this place. He will, somehow, coerce a number of you to gather socially outside of the School. Then, he will FIND you out there. We still do not know how he does it.

"The Master did not tell us to go away. He barely acknowledged that we were gone, nor barely welcomed us back into the School. He knew, and so did we, that some time in the real world, and in the world that ultimately supports us with a living, a community, a source for our investigations, and a place to pursue our craft, is every bit as important as being in here."

"We go," finished Qindao, "because we must. We return because we desire."

Thus endeth the lesson, let us meditate upon it.

My Old School by Steely Dan
Songwriters: BECKER, WALTER CARL / FAGEN, DONALD JAY

I remember the thirty-five sweet goodbyes

When you put me on the Wolverine

Up to Annandale

It was still September

When your daddy was quite surprised

To find you with the working girls

In the county jail

I was smoking with the boys upstairs

When I heard about the whole affair

I said oh no

William and Mary won't do

Well I did not think the girl

Could be so cruel

And I'm never going back

To my old school

Oleanders growing outside her door

Soon they're gonna be in bloom

Up in Annandale

I can't stand her

Doing what she did before

Living like a gypsy queen

In a fairy tale

Well I hear the whistle but I can't go

I'm gonna take her down to Mexico

She said oh no

Guadalajara won't do

Well I did not think the girl

Could be so cruel

And I'm never going back

To my old school

California tumbles into the sea

That'll be the day I go

Back to Annandale

Tried to warn you

About Chino and Daddy Gee

But I can't seem to get to you

Through the U.S. Mail

Well I hear the whistle but I can't go

I'm gonna take her down to Mexico

She said oh no

Guadalajara won't do

Well I did not think the girl

Could be so cruel

And I'm never going back

To my old school