Part 14 – Sadness
“The weight of this sad time we must
obey,
Speak what we feel, not what we ought
to say.
The oldest hath borne most: we that are
young
Shall never see so much, nor live so
long.”
– Shakespeare, King Lear
Dimanche came to visit from another
School, one where they took French names instead of Chinese and
Japanese.
She found Qindao and Tashiki sitting on
what they had adopted as “their log” in the Water Garden. She
bowed and offered her greetings and respect. The men rose and did
likewise.
Together they watched the ducks glide
across the pond, and the koi-carp schools weave the yin-yang of
nature under the surface. It was a time of deep contemplation.
The sensei at her school taught
Dimanche to be as observant and curious as the Master did for the
men. She found a point in Tashiki about which she wanted to know
more.
“Tashiki,” she started, “why are
you sad all the time?”
He looked at her, and she held his gaze
without doubt, and without judgment. He felt from her a desire to
understand. Qindao, on the other hand, looked at his friend with his
own sad irony on his face.
Tashiki dropped his eyes to his
sandals.
“There is much to tell.”
“So it is for all of us.” Dimanche
was persistent, like the young Bento, but with more tact. “But why
for you is the sadness so heavy?”
Qindao nudged his friend. “Tell her.
Start with Byoujixyaku. Oishii got you to talk about her, a little
bit. You need to tell this tale.”
Behind his steady gaze, the hot
sensation of welling tears came to Tahiki's eyes.
“Dimanche, first let me thank you for
asking. The honor is in the telling and I ask that you accept my
gift with the grace and wisdom you have already shown. Second,
sadness is built in to me. I have lived with depression since
adolescence. As naturally as I breathe and walk, I feel less joyful
than most other people. It is part of the reason I am here. This is
my refuge and my school. I find peace here most days, and I find
paths, or hints of paths, to happiness here.
“But there is a particular event that
defines the weight of my sadness more than anything else.
“I was married before, if you believe
that. Twice even. And a girlfriend with whom I lived for nearly ten
years. I had purposefully and strongly resisted the custom of
marrying straight out of college. My relationships there were
tumultuous and fraught with too-heightened emotions.
“Some time after I'd been on my own,
I reconnected with one of the girlfriends from college. It was
supposed to be a normal, friendly, non-threatening, kind of gathering
of friends. Instead, I fell in love with her all over again. There
is wisdom in not going back, but I did. I thought it would work. I
had what I thought was a moment of clarity where I could extract
myself from the relationship I was in and make a better life for
myself with her.
“Before you start with the armchair
analysis, know that I have addressed in myself all the problems of
going back to someone old, starting something new before ending the
something old, rushing forward without any time to grieve and reset.
I was young, headstrong, and foolish. All these things add to the
weight of sadness that you ask about.
“She and I made a good run of it. We
were together three years while I was in graduate school and after,
then another four years married while we worked on our careers. The
devolution of that relationship is for another story. Except to say
that it set the stage for Byoujixyaku.
“I knew Byoujixyaku for many years
professionally. We spoke frequently and bonded with a good
friendship. I learned of her family and her situation. She had a
young daughter and was divorcing from her father. She had a medical
condition that was causing her intense pain and fainting. No one
could explain it. But, she was always all smiles, fun, engaging,
interested in the same things I was interested in. She taught me
about things that were new to me and important to her. She learned
from me the things I felt important.
“Until one summer something clicked.
I was visiting her home town for a corporate event by her company.
We became inseparable. All week long we were together, and all week
long I resisted every urge to take her into my arms and kiss her.
For all the times we were alone, we barely touched each other.
“But I could not get her out of my
head.
“The summer continued into the fall.
Byoujixyaku and I continued to speak frequently for work issues, but
then started finding excuses to talk to each other outside of work.
Keep in mind this was in the era before text messages, and the only
reason I had a cell phone was for my consulting business and I never
used it.
“We would cheat phone calls in the
middle of the night. We would turn professional calls into phone sex
during the day. It was an emotional mess.
“All the while, my marriage was
falling apart. My wife and I drifted apart. We didn't agree on much
of anything any longer. It's not like we didn't care about each
other. I was, as noted before, young and foolish. So was she.
“The company started to recruit me
and Byoujixyaku made a strong case to hire me away from my consulting
business. Take me into their city, into their work, take me into her
arms.
“I took the chance. My wife and I
moved there. I knew that I was unhappy where I was, and I knew that
the marriage was in trouble. I took the chance that even though I
was running into the arms of this other woman, that I could somehow
find the space to determine what to do about my marriage.
“That was the first and second
bargain that I made with myself in this misadventure.
“I convinced myself that I could go
there, right there near to, working with Byoujixyaku and not be
affected by what I felt for her. I convinced myself that I could
work out the dissolution or continuation of my marriage there. It
was exceptionally unfair of me to do that, and there starts the
weight of the sadness. I started to hurt, deeply and irrevocably,
the woman I love.
“Eventually, the unavoidable
happened. My wife found an e-mail. It's not even like she was
snooping. We shared a computer. She went to send an e-mail on her
account, but had to use the shared software to do it. While sending
hers, a racy one came in to me from Byoujixyaku. Yup. She read it.
“I was on the road on a customer
site. When I spoke to her that evening, she laid it out for me. I
had better finish up my work and come home.
“This was the next bargain I made
with myself. I said that I could continue a friendship with
Byoujixyaku without interfering with the repair of the marriage. She
would have none of that, of course. She asked for a divorce. I
agreed. Less than four months after we moved there together, she
moved out.
“My bargain had failed. My sadness
gained weight.
“I could not afford to live in the
apartment any more. Byoujixyaku had rented a house for her and her
daughter. I moved in with them. My next bargain was that I could be
a good room mate even if it came with benefits, and that I could
clear my head of the divorce before continuing on with Byoujixyaku.
“Looking back, it's clear to me that
she wanted me to move much more quickly than that. And she got me
to. A year after the divorce, I asked her to marry me, and a year
after that we did.
“The next set of bargains were that I
could get a second chance at being a husband. I could be more
attentive, more caring, more in tune with her needs. I could be a
decent step-father and maybe, just maybe, even a decent father to our
own child when it happened. I had never wanted children. She
convinced me that I did. More bargaining. More weight.
“We purchased a beautiful house
together. A design flaw was that the computer room was well
separated from the rest of the living area. As much time as I spent
on the computer made her feel that I was ignoring her. As much time
as I spent with her made me feel that I couldn't play on the computer
and pursue my profession and hobby.
“More bargaining. More weight.
“Still, we were having fun. Our
lives developed, and we took care of each other. Her pain and
fainting finally came to a critical point, and I took her to the
emergency room. Finally a diagnosis was possible because her kidney
had separated itself into two noticeable sections.
“I took care of her during her
operation and recovery. Maybe I could have spent more time with her
in the hospital. I felt like I had been there enough. Maybe with a
different woman I would have never wanted to leave. Young. Foolish.
Bargaining. Weight.
“What I did do for her, though, was
buy her lavish gifts. I was making good money and had no expenses.
I bought her the antique ring she wanted. I paid for a great Winter
Ball themed party for the wedding. I brought her jewelry and gifts
from the places I went for work.
“The company in one of its moments of
insanity fired her and kept me. She did not take that well at all.
It put me in a difficult position of standing up for her at work and
standing up for work at home. More bargaining.
“She wanted another child. She
convinced me that I was ready to be a father. I believed her. More
bargaining.
“The end started this way.
“The company, the same one which had
just fired her, won an important contract in the city where I had
lived. My boss offered me the position of being the on-site manager
for the transition. It all made sense, I knew the place and the
people. I could work as a solo performer. It would be only a year,
and I would be home every other weekend.
“That was three months after the
wedding. Byoujixyaku wanted to be pregnant. Byoujixyaku wanted me
at home. With her. Not back in the city that she admittedly loved
too, but did not want me back there.
“More bargaining. She was
inconsolable.
“Starting a month later, I moved and
started with the client. Again, that requires a story of its own.
The summary is that work daily was an endless assault on me
personally and professionally with a refrain of Your Software Sucks,
Your Company Sucks, and You Suck. It was not healthy. I persevered.
More bargaining. More weight.
“Home life also turned sour. Phone
calls to Byoujixyaku also became the refrain of Your Company Sucks,
Your Software Sucks, and You Suck.
“I had no escape. The weight builds,
and the bargains start to fail.
“Scant two months later, a friend
tells me she is auditioning my replacement. In our bed.
“I came home for one of the weekends
I was to come home, she didn't come home until the day after, not
wearing her wedding ring. The weight builds.
“I had maintained my composure
somewhat. I even washed the sheets from the bed. How's that for a
misplaced bargain?
“We went to a marriage counselor.
Her only position was divorce. I had not bother coming home any
more. I was unwelcome in my own house.
“My bargains began to fall. The
weight builds.
“Other pieces of the episode fall
into place. She had her new boyfriend take one of my cats to the vet
to be put down. The other one she let live. More weight.
“Nine months after that, we were
divorced. Married for 15 months total. All failure. I bought her
two different houses. I bought her a new car (that I still drive,
thank you). I forgave her her infidelity. None of it was enough.
She brought the child of her new boyfriend to the divorce
proceedings. I was thrown out and all my bargains for a better life
evaporated and left behind only an impossible weight of terrible
sadness that I still cannot completely leave behind me.
“She left me with that emotional
wound, and thousands of dollars of debt, no home to return to, and no
job to come back to.”
Dimanche wiped away a tear.
Tashiki continued. “My city was
attacked while I watched the smoke rise out my window. My brother
died. And I finally quit my job for what I thought was going to be a
better adventure. That, too, deserves its own story.”
Tashiki breathed heavily. Qindao gave
him a big hug.
Dimanche appeared devastated.
“How have you survived?”
“I nearly did not. Nikki-chan saved
me. I was ready to end it. Reboot. Reset. She took me in at her
place for a weekend and made sure I was never alone. She has my
gratitude forever for that above all the other reasons she is a
remarkable person whom I continue to love deeply.
Dimanche stood and bowed. “May I hug
you?”
Tashiki smiled and held out his arms.
“No matter my own struggles,” he
told her while accepting her embrace, “I do have care and love for
my friends. That seems to be my one last and only bargain. It seems
to work.”
Dimanche held him and would not let go.
Qindao wrapped his arms around them both.
Thus endeth the lesson, let us meditate
upon it.
Sounds of Silence, by Paul Simon and
Art Garfunkle
Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my
brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence
In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash
of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never
share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence
"Fools", said I, "You do
not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But my words, like silent raindrops
fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence
And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, "The words of
the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls"
And whispered in the sounds of silence
