Part 12 - Impermanence

Part 12 - Impermanence

Nothing in the world is permanent, and we're foolish when we ask anything to last, but surely we're still more foolish not to take delight in it while we have it. If change is of the essence of existence one would have thought it only sensible to make it the premise of our philosophy.
-- W. Somerset Maugham

Tashiki and Qindao were pruning in the Flower Garden with The Master. Bento was near by raking leaves and sticks that had collected under some of the trees.

Tashiki looked up from the Azaleas to see Oishii tending vegetables in her plot of the garden.

"Sensei," he asked The Master, "why are there so few women in The School?"

The Master stopped his work and stepped back from his plant. He took a moment, but never really looked up from the flower that was in his hand a moment ago. Qindao noticed genuine sadness in the Master's eyes.

"Of all the things I know I do not understand," he began, "I understand women even less."

He stopped there for a few moments until he realized that neither Qindao nor Tashiki had moved to return to their own work without a better answer than that.

"The come to The School infrequently. I make sure that they are welcomed, treated with honor and respect like all other students here, and given the freedom to find their way. In practice, they rarely come to the Meditations or to the Lessons. They find a place for themselves in one of the Gardens, stay for a while to make it their own, and then they leave."

Tashiki asked the obvious, "Do not they seek guidance and enlightenment?"

Sensei snapped a quick look of rebuke at Tashiki's foolish question. "Of course they do. Often, their path lies elsewhere. Frequently, for whatever reasons they bring in here with them, they do not look for assistance nor companionship from us. They have their own way."

The men considered that and felt the Master's sadness that he could not be as much of himself as he wishes and still be an effective teacher to the women who came into The School.

Qindao saw how The Master had looked as Tashiki and chose to phrase his question more elegantly. "Sensei, is there a difference in enlightenment for men from enlightenment in women?"

The Master noted the irony in that it was Qindao who was able to express the more delicate thought in this case instead of Tashiki.

"My teachers all said 'Yes' when I was learning. I do not think that is the case. I take into account the basic biology of women in that they are the carriers of new life whereas men are not given that kind of gift. The women I have spoken to tell me that is a great sensation that men will never know. It is part of what defines the female and it is part of what gives power to the feminine. Look a the Tao and see that the female creates, but the male destroys. Look at how our customs and cultures have evolved in the East and in the West to see that the women, who are true to their own nature, are by and large creative, and the men are, by and large, destructive."

Bento, full of impetuous Youth interrupted, "Sensei, that is not the case! Men and women are both capable of creation and destruction."

He was prepared to carry on at great length until he saw the look of disapproval in The Master's face.

"You have a lot to learn still, Young Bento. You and your women friends may be on equal footing now. The tidal forces of culture are mostly irresistible. Push against them for all your might for it is important that many things be changed. But do not expect to see progress in your lifetime. That kind of transcendence is rare, hard fought, and costly."

"Sensei." Bento bowed and returned to the rake.

Tashiki asked, "Who is Oishii?"

The Master took a moment to look over at her with some sense of pride. "She came to us a few weeks ago, perhaps two months or so. Her path is complicated, and there is little I can do for her except to listen and make her feel comfortable. She tends her garden here because it satisfied a need in her to tend life. She spends so much of her time outside The School tending lives that will most likely have exceptionally difficult paths of their own, she needs this place to remind her of the more simple pleasures."

"Will she join us?" Qindao wanted to know.

"I do not know."

"How long will she stay with us?" This time Tashiki.

"As long as she would like."

Each turned back to their own flowers as they tended them and thought about the impermanence they just discovered in themselves.

Thus endeth the lesson. Let us meditate upon it.

Ruby Tuesday by The Rolling Stones
Songwriters: JAGGER, MICK / RICHARDS, KEITH

She would never say where she came from

Yesterday don't matter if it's gone

While the sun is bright

Or in the darkest night

No one knows

She comes and goes

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday

Who could hang a name on you?

When you change with every new day

Still I'm gonna miss you...

Don't question why she needs to be so free

She'll tell you it's the only way to be

She just can't be chained

To a life where nothings gained

And nothings lost

At such a cost

There's no time to lose, I heard her say

Catch your dreams before they slip away

Dying all the time

Lose your dreams

And you will lose your mind.

Ain't life unkind?

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday

Who could hang a name on you?

When you change with every new day

Still I'm gonna miss you...

Part 11 – Change is in the Doing

Part 11 – Change is in the Doing


I was born not knowing and have had only a little time to change that here and there.
 -- Richard Feynman (1918 – 1988)

---

Bento took a moment to consider all that Tashiki had said.  He looked at Qindao and asked, "And you?"


Qindao smiled with a touch of grimace.  The time away from The School had hot been easy for him either.


"My friend Tashiki studies to be a Scholar.  I study to be a Warrior.  Both of us have struggled on our paths.  We challenge each other, and support each other, but ultimately each of us have to pursue our chosen path alone.


"While Tashiki was pondering the nature of Love, I was confronted with the quandry of action and inaction.  At what point does one allow things to happen, as opposed to taking up arms against a sea of troubles?"


Bento challenged Qindao in return, "Shakespeare will not save you now."


Tashiki laughed quietly at that.


"It is no secret that I was unhappy where I was.  It's not that I disliked the people, or the circumstances.  I really did love them all.  I felt trapped, cornered, and exiled.  There is a lot of that I still feel.  I had to make a change, though.


"For me, Change is in the Doing.  Tashiki disagrees.  He says that Change is in the Thinking.  We fight about this all the time.


"You may have heard some of my story, Young Bento, from other students.  I am no stranger to Radical Disconnect.  I have done it, more than once which kind of defeats the purpose, but there you have it.  I have had some success in redefining my life and my surroundings on my own terms.  This time is different.


"Aka had come with me to this new place.  She stayed for a while.  She decided that this place was not for her, and neither was I.  She has left.  I am sad, and relieved, and confused.  But she has done what she felt she needed to do.  Change is in the Doing.


"I continue to be surprised at the amount of grief I continue to feel about her departure.  I should be able to grab on to the positive things for her and for me, but many time I can not.  Tashiki tries to explain that to me, but I do not understand as well as he does.


"So, I try to find things to Do that will support my Change.  It is not easy.  I crave structure.  I crave the stability of a path, a game, rules that define progress. The Master, and the rest of the students take great delight in showing me where that is completely wrong.  Even Tashiki reminds me nearly daily that there is no success other than what I make on my own terms.


"To me that does not make sense.  I can choose a mediocre level of success and easily attainable goal and call it success.  What good is that?  I revile the people in the world who celebrate good enough as Good Enough.  I have no respect for people who call themselves successful just because they can.  I want to ask them, what have you really done to affect change?  What have you done that makes you a better person than you were yesterday?  What have you done that makes me want to be near you?


"And yet, I know that is completely inside-out, backward, and wrong.  Each person has their own path.  Each person must define success on their own terms.  The problem lies in the language and expression more than it does in the heart.  There are not separate words for personal progress as opposed to generalized success and victory."


Qindao paused pondering something that he just revealed in himself.


Bento took some time to respect Qindao's thoughts.  But then he pressed on, "That still doesn't explain where you've been, Qindao-tzu."


Qindao sighed, heavy and audible.  "No, it does not."


Qindao stood and took a few steps over to the edge of the pond.  The two others watched.  Qindao looked into the water to see the koi and carp circle each other.  He saw the yin and yang they represent, the light and the dark, creation and destruction, male and female.  


The garden stood still for a moment in time.  The leaves still rustled in the breeze, the water ran, the fish swam, and the ducks made small quack sounds.  Time had stopped for Qindao, though.  


He was on the edge of something.  he did not know what.


Perhaps this was his destiny.  He always felt on the edge of something and never quite there.  Always... never.

---

Thus endeth the lesson let us meditate upon it.


Changes, by David Bowie


Still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets and
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But Ive never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
Im much too fast to take that test


Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time


I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence
So the days float through my eyes
But stil the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through


Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Don't tell them to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Wheres your shame
Youve left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time


Strange fascination, fascinating me
Ah changes are taking the pace Im going through


Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Oh, look out you rock n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Pretty soon now you're gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time

Part 10 – A Love Like No Other

Part 10 – A Love Like No Other

“Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.”-- Bertrand Russell

Tashiki and Qindao remained sitting with Bento in the Water Garden. Time had passed, the sun was a little lower in the sky. Other students had come and gone, to say hello, welcome back, we missed you.

Qindao had known that something was on Bento's mind for quite a while. He tired of waiting for the young student to ask. “What's on your mind, Bento?”

Bento was not startled by the direct question. That is good training. He is learning how to be present in the moment and adapt to rapid and unexpected changes.

“I want to know where you went.” It was a bold question. Qindao and Tashiki silently acknowledged to each other that the kid was learning well.

Tashiki started with his answer first. “I had something I could no longer pursue within the grounds of The School. Threads of my life outside these walls were coming unraveled. I had to take what I had learned so far in here and make practical, real-world application of it.”

Bento knew there was more to the story. He searched his own skills for the right question that would unlock the next piece. “What made you think that, Tashiki-san?”

Tashiki was caught a little off guard by the question. The kid hit home on a sensitive subject. It had been years since he left The School and even though he thought about it every day, he had not come back until today. The reason he left was not complicated. It was surprisingly simple.

“I saw a poster in a novelty store while I was out shopping.”

Bento sensed he had hit the right button, and gave one more prod. “What did it say?”

Tashiki thought back to that day. “It was a poster that listed the twelve zodiac signs, and with each was a brief phrase describing what sex is like for that sign. Except for Taurus. For Taurus it said, 'A Love Like No Other'. Why is that? It is a silly joke of sexual word-play, but that the Taurus one, which I would notice of course, is the one that was so different. I could not get it out of my head.

“It bothered me. I felt like it was accusing me of some sort of weakness. I must stay strong, I told myself. Perhaps what I am learning about my Love Like No Other is that I can live in it, live in its moment, and survive.

“Listening to The Doors "Touch Me" I had a thought. I may not always like you, but my love is forever. That seemed to be something true about me. My friend Oishii says I should be more forgiving of people in my life like Byoujixyaku. She says I should use her real name, for example. The point is that I was telling her the story and used a phrase like "Somewhere in the worst, coldest, darkest, most uncomfortable place in my heart, there is a place for her." I may not always like you, but my love is forever.

“I question whether I have a love like no other. Surely I can not be the only one who feels this way, or feels love like I do. I am wondering if that is the case. No one talks about love, of course. There is nothing in our own culture that allows for the free expression, even verbally and in writing, of personal authentic love experiences, good and bad. Love is, for lack of a better term, romanticized. Love is treated differently.

“Other cultures allow Love into their lives in a very personal and open way. We talk about having no expectations placed on Love, but that is a lie. We do it all the time. We expect Love to sweep us off out feet, conquer all, and be the One True Thing in a life. That is all crap. I find myself back to considering that I used to call The Effing Fairy Tale. It is the idealized, romanticized, vision of Love that we all are indoctrinated with as children and into adulthood. If it is not all encompassing, all consuming, life altering, destruction of the foes and elevation of the one desired, then it is not Love at all, but some crude imitation.

“I suggest that the opposite is true. The destructive expression of Love like that is authentic surely, but is not sustainable. It does not come from a healthy place.

“It may allow some who are diligent to open a door to a healthy place, but that is, I think, a rarity. Those who enter Love through the Fairy Tale are destined to misery.

“Those who enter love through humility and surprise are more likely to find something that lasts. A Love Like No Other.

“And yet that is not quite right. Humility I think is one aspect. Surprise gives me pause. It is not the right word.

“I, for one, am no longer surprised when I fall in love. Frankly, I am surprised when I do not. I try not to take it for granted. Public record shows that my success rate with that is less than exemplary.”

Qindao could not hold back his snicker at this. “Qindao thinks I'm an idiot.”

“I do,” Qindao piped in, “but no more so than I am. Please continue.”

“I shall, my friend, thank you.

“Surprise is not the word that I want. I am surprised at how my love endures for some so far over time, distance, and even dislike as noted earlier. There is some awe in me as well, even though "Falling in Love" is a daily occurrence.

“Perhaps I am coming to understand that Love demands a certain openness from me. That, for whatever reason, my Weakness-Strength, my Vulnerability-Advantage, is A Love Like No Other. It is a part of me and demands to be treated as such. As much as I cannot write with my left hand as well as I can with my right, I cannot love like all others as well as I can Love Like No Other.

“Of course, that exposes the vulnerability in me underneath the jaded, sarcastic, pessimistic, Arrogant Prick that I am. None of that is an act. I really am all those things. I am demanding, selfish, uncompromising, elitist, snobbish, and at times (most times maybe) an Arrogant Prick. What all that masks is that I come with a Love Like No Other, my Love is forever.

“I suppose that makes me more unusual than it does different. I do not think that I am the only one. I may be wrong that we who feel and live this way are the minority. It could be that everyone is like that and I have not yet seen it.

“I love that it might be true.”

Thus endeth the lesson. Let us meditate upon it.

Touch Me by The Doors
Songwriters: Densmore, John; Krieger, Rob; Morrison, Jim; Manzarek, Ray;

Yeah!

Come on, come on, come on

Come on now touch me, baby

Can't you see that I am not afraid?

What was that promise that you made?

Why won't you tell me what she said?

What was that promise that you made?

Now, I'm gonna love you

Till the heavens stop the rain

I'm gonna love you

Till the stars fall from the sky for you and I

Come on, come on, come on

Come on now touch me, baby

Can't you see that I am not afraid?

What was that promise that you made?

Why won't you tell me what she said?

What was that promise that you made?

I'm gonna love you

Till the heavens stop the rain

I'm gonna love you

Till the stars fall from the sky for you and I

I'm gonna love you

Till the heavens stop the rain

I'm gonna love you

Till the stars fall from the sky for you and I

Stronger than dirt

Part 9 – Eternal Return

Part 9 – Eternal Return

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.

Nelson Mandela (1918 - ), 'A Long Walk to Freedom'

Tashiki and Qindao met at the front gates for the School. They took a moment and sheepishly gave each other a big hug.

"It's been too long, my friend," started Tashiki.

Qindao felt the same. "It has."

They walked together through the gates back onto the grounds of the School. They were too late in the day for Morning Meditations. If they stayed late enough they may participate in the Evening Lesson, but they had not yet decided.

Together they walked through the Grounds. They greeted and were greeted by the other students whom they had not seen for so long. It felt home, it felt good. They both took into themselves a sense of place and satisfaction, wonder and humility, power and grace, that they had both lost since their last visit to the School.

They came to the Water Garden and found a place on a bench.

The Master had guided the Students well in the upkeep of the Garden. The bench had been made of a large Birch that fallen in the Garden some time ago. The students had to cut it into usable pieces, age and cure the wood, then finally figure out what to do with it. They chose a design that allowed for the natural flow of the wood to support itself and create a bench.

They had done well.

The Water Garden may be the most wild and seemingly unkempt portion of the Grounds. It wraps around above the Rock Garden and features a stream that flows from the Flower Garden above to the Koi Pond below. In the center it has its own pond. Ducks and other water birds gather there. The local animals feed and drink here.

The Master had installed a Deer Stick in this Garden. The traditional design is a hollowed out bamboo shoot that will collect water in itself until it overcomes the balance. It tips forward, empties all its water, and falls back on its sealed end again making a "thud" loud enough to scare off the deer.

The Students ask why the other animals were welcome, but not the deer. The Master, uncharacteristically ungracious, noted that the "damn deer" ate all the plants and damaged the trees.

"They can come back," he said, "when they are old enough not to be scared by the bamboo stick. That's when they know better than to eat everything in sight."

There are few deer in the Garden. But some.

"What brought you back, Tashiki?"

"Unfinished business."

Silence. Both. Mutual acknowledgment and understanding of the reasons they were both back.

One of the new students approached them. He called himself "Bento". He had not been with the school long enough yet for a better School Name to be found.

"We missed you," he said. "The Master told us you would be back when you are ready."

Tashiki and Qindao sheepishly grinned. They knew that was right, it always had been right, and always will be right.

"We had things we needed to do," Tashiki offered.

"That's kind of a bullshit answer, Tashiki-san, if I may say so."

Qindao burst out laughing.

"Yeah, I suppose it is."

Bento had taken a seat on the rocks in front of them. Tashiki and Qindao realized they had unwittingly placed themselves in the position of Teacher.

The three sat for a wile longer and listened to the running water. Students in the other Gardens laughed, argued, sang, made noises that floated up through the trees. All the sounds mix together into a babble that resembles the water flowing over the rocks out of the pond.

"Bento," Qindao started, "You will come to love the School as much as you know we do. But this is not reality. The Master demands a lot of us while we are in here with him. We tend the gardens, we participate in the Meditations and Lessons. You will have a time when he starts to press you on what you do outside of this place. He will, somehow, coerce a number of you to gather socially outside of the School. Then, he will FIND you out there. We still do not know how he does it.

"The Master did not tell us to go away. He barely acknowledged that we were gone, nor barely welcomed us back into the School. He knew, and so did we, that some time in the real world, and in the world that ultimately supports us with a living, a community, a source for our investigations, and a place to pursue our craft, is every bit as important as being in here."

"We go," finished Qindao, "because we must. We return because we desire."

Thus endeth the lesson, let us meditate upon it.

My Old School by Steely Dan
Songwriters: BECKER, WALTER CARL / FAGEN, DONALD JAY

I remember the thirty-five sweet goodbyes

When you put me on the Wolverine

Up to Annandale

It was still September

When your daddy was quite surprised

To find you with the working girls

In the county jail

I was smoking with the boys upstairs

When I heard about the whole affair

I said oh no

William and Mary won't do

Well I did not think the girl

Could be so cruel

And I'm never going back

To my old school

Oleanders growing outside her door

Soon they're gonna be in bloom

Up in Annandale

I can't stand her

Doing what she did before

Living like a gypsy queen

In a fairy tale

Well I hear the whistle but I can't go

I'm gonna take her down to Mexico

She said oh no

Guadalajara won't do

Well I did not think the girl

Could be so cruel

And I'm never going back

To my old school

California tumbles into the sea

That'll be the day I go

Back to Annandale

Tried to warn you

About Chino and Daddy Gee

But I can't seem to get to you

Through the U.S. Mail

Well I hear the whistle but I can't go

I'm gonna take her down to Mexico

She said oh no

Guadalajara won't do

Well I did not think the girl

Could be so cruel

And I'm never going back

To my old school

Part 8 - You Can't Save Them All.

(Originally written December 31, 2009)

Part 8 - You Can't Save Them All.


“You begin saving the world by saving one person at a time; all else is grandiose romanticism or politics.” -- Charles Bukowski


Tashiki and Qindao were shoveling the school's parking lot after Morning Meditations. There wasn't much snow, but the lot is big. And, of course, The Master provided them only with small shovels. Even with the other students, this was going to take a while. They had asked The Master one time why the parking lot was so big and why didn't he convert some of that space into more of the Garden. Sensei replied, true to form, “You never know who is going to show up. We are prepared.”


Qindao stopped to ask Tashiki a question, “Why were you crying during Meditations?”


Tashiki thought about how to reply. “There is a stray cat in our neighborhood. I don't see him that often, but every time I do I feel sad for him.”


Qindao pushed another pile of snow out of the way. “There are lots of outdoor cats in our neighborhood. What's special about this one?”


“He doesn't behave like the others. He's young, probably less than a year old. And he shows all the signs of having been socialized to humans. He comes right up to me, rubs up against me, and is very vocal with me. He knows what it is to live with humans.”


“That can't be all of it.”


“No, it isn't. He has no collar, and that makes me think that he was lost or abandoned. Either of those things makes me sad for him. He wants something from me, and I can do nothing to help him. He's friendly, socialized, attractive, engaging, all the things you would want from a cat companion. But every time I see him I have to end up turning my back on him and send him back into the wild, and make him fend for himself. I have so much I could give him, but my commitments prevent me from being able to help.”


“Do you think he's in danger?”


“No. Well, no, not really. I understand that cats are built to be able to survive, even in the cold and snow, and we know there are places he can find to keep warm and hunt.”


Qindao pressed the issue. “Then why does he make you upset?”


Tashiki knew the answer immediately. “Because it's so unfair. I have so much. He asks for so little. I have to turn him away and force him to live a life to which I don't think he was born into. It's not his fault that he has to sleep in the cold, hunt for his food, and defend himself from the neighborhood threats. He was brought into this world to be a part of a family somewhere, but he's been cast out. He's been forced to become something that, yes, is in his nature and for which he is somewhat prepared, but it seems such a waste of life and love.”


“Would you take in all the strays?”


“I would if I could.”


“You can't save them all.”


“But I could save this one!”


Qindao thought about that a moment than looked at Tashiki straight on. “I'm going to get up in your face about a few things. It's a cat. They are built to survive in harsh conditions. We humans respond to them because we're built that way. Yes, they respond to us as well, but that's not their primary purpose. Is this cat injured in any way, other than being uncomfortable? Is its coat healthy? Paws, ears, eyes, nose, and tail undamaged? You have seen it observe traffic and avoid cars?” Tashiki nodded and grunted various acknowledgments in the affirmative, that the cat is, by all measures, adapting to its environment.


“You want to save the cat because it reflects something you desire in you. Right?”


Tashiki could not answer that one.


“This isn't about the cat.”


“No, it isn't.”


-----
Thus endeth today's lesson. Let us meditate upon it.


Gus - The Theatre Cat - a poem by T S Eliot


Gus is the Cat at the Theatre Door.
His name, as I ought to have told you before,
Is really Asparagus. That's such a fuss
To pronounce, that we usually call him just Gus.
His coat's very shabby, he's thin as a rake,
And he suffers from palsy that makes his paw shake.
Yet he was, in his youth, quite the smartest of Cats--
But no longer a terror to mice and to rats.
For he isn't the Cat that he was in his prime;
Though his name was quite famous, he says, in its time.
And whenever he joins his friends at their club
(Which takes place at the back of the neighbouring pub)
He loves to regale them, if someone else pays,
With anecdotes drawn from his palmiest days.
For he once was a Star of the highest degree--
He has acted with Irving, he's acted with Tree.
And he likes to relate his success on the Halls,
Where the Gallery once gave him seven cat-calls.
But his grandest creation, as he loves to tell,
Was Firefrorefiddle, the Fiend of the Fell.


"I have played," so he says, "every possible part,
And I used to know seventy speeches by heart.
I'd extemporize back-chat, I knew how to gag,
And I knew how to let the cat out of the bag.
I knew how to act with my back and my tail;
With an hour of rehearsal, I never could fail.
I'd a voice that would soften the hardest of hearts,
Whether I took the lead, or in character parts.
I have sat by the bedside of poor Little Nell;
When the Curfew was rung, then I swung on the bell.
In the Pantomime season I never fell flat,
And I once understudied Dick Whittington's Cat.
But my grandest creation, as history will tell,
Was Firefrorefiddle, the Fiend of the Fell."


Then, if someone will give him a toothful of gin,
He will tell how he once played a part in East Lynne.
At a Shakespeare performance he once walked on pat,
When some actor suggested the need for a cat.
He once played a Tiger--could do it again--
Which an Indian Colonel purused down a drain.
And he thinks that he still can, much better than most,
Produce blood-curdling noises to bring on the Ghost.
And he once crossed the stage on a telegraph wire,
To rescue a child when a house was on fire.
And he says: "Now then kittens, they do not get trained
As we did in the days when Victoria reigned.
They never get drilled in a regular troupe,
And they think they are smart, just to jump through a hoop."
And he'll say, as he scratches himself with his claws,
"Well, the Theatre's certainly not what it was.
These modern productions are all very well,
But there's nothing to equal, from what I hear tell,
That moment of mystery
When I made history
As Firefrorefiddle, the Fiend of the Fell."

Part 7 - Tech Support

(Originally written June 24, 2009)

Part 7 - Tech Support

“Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.”

-- Arthur C. Clarke

*****

Qindao called Tashiki in a panic.

“I need a new computer! My Facebook keeps crashing! Farmtown keeps booting me! Party Poker Sucks! I can't get a damn thing done!”

Tashiki had heard it all before. “Relax, dude. Here's what you need to know:”

Mac users, some of this applies to you, too, so don't go all smug on me.

Computers in general rely on three things to get the job done: the CPU, RAM (Memory) and Hard Drive (Storage). The CPU is what you bought and will not change. Want a really faster computer? Buy a new CPU. Memory measures the amount of places to put things while the computer is running. Windows XP wants 1 Gigabyte of Memory to be happy, and 2 GB to be really happy. Vista wants 2GB and 4 GB. Yeah, I know.

Storage is cheap and plentiful. If buying a new computer, get a big hard drive. Oh, buy as much RAM as you can afford.

So, your Windows experience sucks. Mac users, shut up.

Anti-Virus: Required. No Exceptions.

Norton and McAfee are cheap and easy to use. You generally do not need the Full Protection Suites they will try to sell you. Some of the add on features are, well, useless. Want something free? Avast! Is the one that I use. It's free, mostly easy to use, and has a lot of settings that you can manipulate to make it behave well with all the things you run. Ask me about AVG that lots of people like to use. I absolutely will not ever, and I mean EVER, use them or recommend them to anyone. The AVG web sites for a long time built the site so that once you were directed there (usually without your permission) it started a process that looked like a scan was about to start (without your permission) and then told you that you needed to download and install AVG (without your permission). Noticing a theme here? No AVG. Ever.

Norton Anti-Virus: http://www.symantec.com/norton/antivirus

Avast!: http://www.avast.com/eng/avast_4_home.html

Make sure your Anti-Virus software is fully up to date. In Norton, do a Live Update. In Avast!, do an Update Program. Make sure your protection definitions are up to date. Run a FULL SCAN of your computer. Pay attention to the status updates it gives you. Know how to use your software. Make sure the real-time protection is turned on always.

Absolutely turn on e-mail protection as high as it goes. Do not open e-mail attachments in any web-based e-mail system unless you are prepared for the consequences. Anti virus does not, will not, and will never protect you from Hotmail, Yahoo! Mail, Gmail, or Joe's Baber Shop and Internet Provider webmail service.

Make sure your anti-virus has some way of scheduling a full scan of your computer overnight once a week. For Avast!, that takes a little, um, cheating, but it can be done.

Ad Blockers, Spyware Blockers, Popup Blockers: Not Required. Marginally Recommended.

Most of these are a waste of time. Internet Explorer and Firefox have basic popup and other nefarious activity blockers built in to them. If you are getting popups, then check the settings, or consider not going to those sites any longer.

One recommendation is Ad-Aware. The free version of AA provides sufficient protection from various attacks that don't get blocked by the anti-virus. The registered version of AA (really cheap – good buy) adds additional real-time blocking that may be beneficial to you.

Ad Aware by Lavasoft: http://www.lavasoft.com/index.php

Set Ad Aware to the highest sensitivity and run a FULL SCAN. Pay attention to the status update it gives you. When considering a threat removal, try to remove the identified threats from the Add/Remove Programs control panel first. Once those are removed, run a full scan again. Repeat as necessary. Once you've reached the point where there's nothing more to remove, and if Ad Aware still identifies threats, let Ad Aware remove the threats.

Firewall: Not Required. Highly Recommended.

Your PC is on the Internet. Any computer in the world can find you. ANY. I can find you. You want ME in your PC? I didn't think so. Windows comes with a firewall built in to it. It is mostly sufficient.

Checkpoint (most paranoid and talented group of security professionals I've ever encountered) bought Zone Alarm a few years ago. Use it. It is a pain at first because it will ask you about EVERYTHING that tries to access the internet. Read the instructions and make sure you understand what it's doing and why. No exceptions.

Zone Alarm: http://www.zonealarm.com/security/en-us/home.htm?lid=en-us

Windows Add/Remove Programs: Not Required. Recommended.

Scan through the list of installed programs in the Add/Remove Programs control panel. Anything you know you do not use and will never use you may remove. Anything that looks like a toolbar add-on, browser “assistant”, search buddy, shopping buddy, or something like that, remove it immediately if you have not already done so.

That will clear up most everything that goes loaded into RAM Memory every time you start Windows.

Mac users, shut up. You get this crap, too.

Now for the maintenance issues.

Software Updates: Required. No Exceptions.

Any thing that you have installed will get an update eventually. Know how to use the update features. Anti virus, ad blocker, firewall, all have update features built in to them. Use them. Some printer/scanner add ons also have updates built in to them. I generally do not recommend an update here unless there is something specific you need.

A quick note about Firmware Updates, also called BIOS Updates. These can be really challenging to do correctly and are not for the faint of heart. Do not attempt a BIOS update without adult supervision, and even then, only when it is absolutely necessary.

Windows Auto-update is mostly sufficient, but does not cover all the items that need attention. Make sure you use the Windows Update link that is in your Start Menu (somewhere, depends on XP vs. Vista, and even then, some settings allow this link to be moved or hidden). Internet Explorer also has a link to Windows Update hidden in the Tools menu. Find it. Use it.

Windows Update web site will ask you a lot of questions. Make sure you understand what its asking and follow instructions carefully. Critical updates are required. No exceptions. Recommended updates are mostly optional, but I generally recommend installing them. Hardware updates are hit and miss. I've had hardware updates that broke my hardware. Do not update unless you know what you're getting and why.

If a Service Pack is available, absolutely download and install it. No exceptions.

Updates to Internet Explorer are hit and miss, but generally recommended. I've changed to Firefox, so I'm not as obsessive about IE updates. Except, IE itself is a huge target for hackers. If Microsoft has put out an update, there's generally a good reason why.

Hard Drive Maintenance:

Look up the term Hard Drive Fragmentation and come to know the little slice of hell that has plagued hardware designers and software developers since the 1960s.

Windows has a sufficient defragmentation tool built in to it. There are different ways of getting to it, but the easiest is to go to My Computer and right click on the drive in question, choose Properties, and on the Tools tab, choose Defragment. Go get coffee. Read a book. This is going to take a while.

If you want something a little more industrial strength, Diskkeeper is the way to go.

Diskkeeper: http://www.diskeeper.com/

Lastly, Windows stores a large amount of information on the hard drive that it uses to behave as if it has more RAM than it really does. This is the Page File. You should have the Page File (Virtual Memory) set to System Managed. That appears to be the default for XP and Vista, so I'm not going to go into details on it. Ask if you have questions.

Those files get fragmented like everything else, except they don't get unfragmented bu the normal processes. Use the pagedefrag tool by Sysinternals and available from Microsoft. Run it, tell it you want a defrag on every boot, and forget about it. You will see it work every time you reboot your computer. You know its working.

Pagedefrag from Sysinternals and Microsoft: http://technet.microsoft.com/en-us/sysinternals/bb897426.aspx

One last note about the most stupid default setting ever. Microsoft allows for XP and Vista to automatically restart if you and unfortunate enough to experience the Blue Screen of Death. The default setting is for Windows to briefly display the BSOD and then initiate a restart of the computer. Well, if you're looking at a BSOD, then something is seriously wrong, dammit. Continued attempts to reboot will fry the hard drive, mother board, and everything else that you paid good money for.

Right click on My Computer, and go to Properties. Choose the Advanced Tab, and click on Startup and Recovery Settings. If Automatically Restart is checked, UN-check it immediately and thank your personal God that you didn't get screwed.

*****

Thus endeth today's lesson. Let us meditate upon it.

The Spirit of Music (1980)
Rush. Lee, Lifeson, Peart.

Begin the day with a friendly voice
A companion unobtrusive
Plays that song that's so elusive
And the magic music makes your morning mood

Off on your way, hit the open road
There is magic at your fingers
For the spirit ever lingers
Undemanding contact in your happy solitude

Invisible airwaves crackle with life
Bright antennae bristle with the energy
Emotional feedback on a timeless wavelength
Bearing a gift beyond price, almost free

All this machinery making modern music
Can still be open-hearted
Not so coldly charted, it's really just a question
Of your honesty, yeah, your honesty

One likes to believe in the freedom of music
But glittering prizes and endless compromises
Shatter the illusion of integrity, yeah

Invisible airwaves crackle with life
Bright antennae bristle with the energy
Emotional feedback on a timeless wavelength
Bearing a gift beyond price, almost free

For the words of the profits were written on the studio wall
Concert hall
And echoes with the sound of salesmen
Of salesmen, of salesmen

Part 6 - Life, With Chip On Shoulder

(Originally written June 2, 2009)

Part 6 - Life, With Chip On Shoulder


Falstaff:
I will not lend thee a penny.

Pistol:
Why then the world's mine oyster,
Which I with sword will open.

The Merry Wives Of Windsor Act II, Scene 2, 2–5

-----

Tashiki had not seen Qindao since Morning Meditations. The light was starting to fade and since they had not planned on staying the night at the school, he went in search of his friend.

He found Qindao at the Rock Garden: rake in hand, clothes a mess, dripping with sweat, and an angry determined look on his face. Tashiki stopped for a moment for his customary simple blessing then stepped into the Garden. Qindao didn't notice. He dug the rake into the rocks and traced another line into the pattern, stopped, dug another line, and kept repeating the process. Tashiki guessed he had been doing this all day.

Tashiki moved to sit on one of the observation rocks. Qindao's pattern, he noticed, was more complex than those drawn by the younger students. Qindao was a master of combining straight and curved lines into a pattern that seemed to border on chaos until one looked at the whole and took it all in. Even for Qindao, Tashiki noticed, this one had more anger in it, and less hope. The chaos was encroaching on the balanced structure of the pattern.

Qindao looked up and saw Tashiki. “How long have you been there?”

“A while. The Master might say I've been here all day.”

Qindao grunted a scornful acknowledgement. “He might also say you are not there now. What difference does it make?”

“None. But that is not the point. Despite what may, or may not, be, I am here now and I am observing your work. You have put great effort into this pattern.”

“I was unhappy with the pattern left by the younger students this morning. I picked up the rake and decided to do something about it.”

“I see.”

The two looked at each other a moment longer. Qindao then looked down at the part of the Garden in which he was standing and seemed to come to some sort of decision. Still holding the rake, he dragged his feet over a large section of his design and wiped out all the lines he had drawn into it. Tashiki was able to see Qindao's hands more closely now and saw blood seeping from blisters, and then saw that Qindao's shoes had become torn in several places, and also stained with blood.

Qindao applied the rake to the rocks and began to draw again in the section he had just cleared. Deep straight lines intersected with each other and aimed themselves at the few curves that he had drawn close by. Tashiki could hear the heavy breathing of his friend, the sweat and blood dripping, and even though Qindao tried to muffle his sounds, the vocalizations of his pain with every step and movement of the rake.

Tashiki let Qindao finish redrawing the section he had cleared, but then felt he had to take action. “Qindao, please stop. You are hurting yourself.”

“I know.”

“Then why continue?”

“I must.”

Tashiki felt a wry smile come to his lips. There's no arguing with that logic.

“Come sit with me, please, and at least take a moment to look at what you've made.”

“I can see it from here.”

“No you can't, you butthead. Get yer Obsessive-Compulsive ass up here and sit!”

This time it was Qindao who had to let himself smile a moment. There was definitely no arguing with Tashiki on that one.

Tashiki handed Qindao the towel he always carries. “You're a mess. You are going to need new shoes, and your hands are going to bleed for days. If you don't clean yourself up soon, you're going to get infections in those blisters.”

“I know.” Qindao wiped away some of the sweat, and gripped the towel tightly to ease the pain and soak up the blood. He wouldn't look at the Garden.

“I see a lot of anger in what you've made.”

“I know.”

“Why?”

“It is what I felt. I disliked what the students had made, so I started on my own.”

“But why angry today?”

“Frustration plus ineffective action equals anger, isn't that what you've always told me?”

“That still doesn't answer the question,” Tashiki responded softly.

Qindao took a deep breath and tried to remember back to the morning, where this all started. “I walked past the garden. The other students had raked the Garden into a pattern of circles and large swooping swirls. It felt wrong to me. It didn't feel like the pattern reflected enough of the conflict inherent in what the lines are supposed to represent. I saw a pattern drawn by naïve, sunshine-and-light, liars.”

“Liars? You would speak so harshly of our fellow students?”

“I'm not proud of how I felt about them, or what they had done. They drew what they felt, even if it was simplistic, uncomplicated, and incomplete. I started with honorable intentions. I was going to add some of my own work to the design. I was going to try to integrate my own thoughts into the canvas they had provided. When I saw my first efforts, I was unhappy with what I drew. It didn't fit. I tried again, correcting some of the lines I had drawn, redrawing some of the elements they had left for me to find. It still didn't work. I spent all morning trying to fit my own ideas into a pre-existing pattern, and I just could not make it work.”

They sat for a moment.

“Then what?”

“Just what you expect. I wiped out the whole thing and started my own. And it spun out of control. Each time I finished a new line, I hated it. I hated the way it disrupted what I thought was the balance of the lines around it and hated the way it detracted from the pattern instead of adding to it. I wiped out whole sections at a time. I raked over lines that I had just made. No matter what I did, it didn't feel right. I was frustrated by my inability to express myself, and each effort at doing so seemed to only make things worse. “

“Why didn't you stop?”

“I had to find it. I had to find what it was that was in my head and trying to get out. I couldn't leave this incomplete.”

“You know that at the most it would have lasted only until tomorrow when the other students would clear it and start over again, right? The Rock Garden is not meant to be a permanent representation of, well, anything.”

“I know.”

“Then why is it so important to you?”

Qindao sat quietly for a few moments. Tashiki sensed he had an answer, but was bringing up the courage to say it out loud.

“Because I'm jealous.” There is was. The quiet admission of what had been driving Qindao to the brink of exhaustion and permanent physical harm. “I'm jealous of the simple patterns the other students seem to see in life and in themselves. I'm jealous of the hope and happiness in their circular designs. I'm jealous of the ease with which they can smile through the adversity of raking this whole damn Garden. I'm jealous that I never feel like I can join and be one of them. They tolerate me, but I'm not one of them.”

“They respect you and your wisdom, you know.”

“I suppose. I like the younger students, but you know that I often find their company tedious.”

“Then why does this upset you so much?”

Qindao had to collect his thoughts. “Because I want what they have.”

“You can't. You have to make your own.”

“I tried, and you see here what I made. I worked on it all day, and what do you see?”

“Complexity, internal conflict, desire, fear, determination, and a man who nearly killed himself to make it. And the sad thing is that tomorrow it will be wiped away again.”

Tashiki let that sink in for a moment. He knew that the sadness was an integral part of the Rock Garden's purpose. No design, as he said, was meant to last more than a day, and usually lasted less than a few hours.

“Then I will nearly kill myself again tomorrow.”

“Really?”

“Maybe.”

“You're going to have to let your hands heal first.”

“I know.”

The sun went down and the Garden faded from twilight into darkness.

“Let's go home.”

-----
Thus endeth today's lesson. Let us meditate upon it.

Flagpole Sitta, by Harvey Danger, written by Sean Nelson, Jeff J. Lin, Aaron Huffman & Evan Sult

I had visions, I was in them,
I was looking into the mirror,
To see a little bit clearer,
The rottenness and evil in me.

Fingertips have memories,
Mine can't forget the curves of your body,
And when I feel a bit naughty,
I run it up the flagpole and see who salutes,
But no one ever does.

I'm not sick but I'm not well,
And I'm so hot, cause I'm in hell.

Been around the world and found,
That only stupid people are breeding,
The cretins cloning and feeding,
And I don't even own a TV.

Put me in the hospital for nerves,
And then they had to commit me,
You told them all I was crazy,
They cut off my legs now I'm an amputee,
God damn you.

I'm not sick but I'm not well,
And I'm so hot, cause I'm in hell,
I'm not sick but I'm not well,
And it's a sin, to live so well.

I wanna publish zines,
And rage against machines,
I wanna pierce my tongue,
It doesn't hurt, it feels fine,
The trivial sublime,
I'd like to turn off time,
And kill my mind,
You kill my mind, mind.

Paranoia, paranoia,
Everybody's coming to get me,
Just say you never met me,
I'm running underground with the moles, diging holes
Hear the voices in my head,
I swear to god it sounds like they're snoring,
But if you're bored then you're boring,
The agony and the irony, they're killing me.

I'm not sick but I'm not well,
And I'm so hot, cause I'm in hell,
I'm not sick but I'm not well,
And it's a sin, to live this well,
One, two, three, four.