Part 4 - Eulogy

(Originally written February 26, 2009)

Part 4 - Eulogy


There is special providence in the fall of a sparrow.
-- Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act V, Scene 2

After Morning Meditations, the Master made an unusual request of Tashiki and Qindao, "Meet me in the Tea House in 30 minutes."

Tashiki and Qindao were surprised, of course, the Master rarely met individually with students. "Yes, Sensei."

They spent the next half hour touring the garden. They started in the Flower Garden to admire the colors of the blooms and the graceful shapes of the trees and bushes. In the Water Garden they watched the koi dart from one end to the other. At the Rock Garden, they admired the pattern raked out by the younger apprentices. The Tree Garden was still a little too overrun for everyone's sensibilities, but the creek running through it attracted the ducks and geese, and majestic hawks lived in the trees.

They walked the path to the Tea House and arrived right on time, of course. They entered to find that the Master had prepared a Tea Ceremony for them. Sit, please."

"Yes, Sensei."

The Master carefully prepared each of them a cup. He handed Tashiki and Qindao theirs before taking his own. Together, they sipped. "Tell me about your brother Hiro," said the Master.

Tashiki and Qindao looked at each other, mid sip. Tashiki asked, "Sensei?"

"It has been seven years. I want you to tell me about Hiro."

Qindao was still shocked by this expression of such personal interest from the Master. "Is there something special about seven years, Sensei?"

The master smiled at Qindao's eagerness to learn and to understand. "No, Qindao, there is nothing special about this year. It just seems the time is right. Tell me about Hiro."

Tashiki, the scholar and student monk, started with the basics. "Sensei, Hiro was born with a death sentence. He knew from his early life that he would not live past the age of 30. During his lifetime he had operations to correct his pectus excavatum, and his feet. He wore a painful jaw-spreader retainer as a child, and his eyes could barely focus on anything too close to him. 

"True to form, two weeks after his 30th birthday, he suffered an aortic dissection. The inner lining of his descending aorta had separated from the outer lining, and this flap prevented blood flow from his heart to his body. He survived.

"He decided after that incident that maybe this thing was beatable after all. He made plans for massive reconstruction of his aorta. Sensei, you make sure we learn about anatomy as part of our training here. We have learned that the aorta is normally 3 cm in diameter and very solid. Hiro's ultrasound showed that his aorta had expanded to 6 cm and was mostly fibrous.

"His reconstruction plans were a combination of transplants and, well, wrapping his aorta in medical duct tape. It was to be done in three phases. The first would be the lower-third of his descending aorta, next the upper two-thirds, then finally the most difficult part, the ascending aorta and possibly heart valve.

"The first operation went well. The second was scheduled for December of 2001. There were... complications."

Tashiki had to stop for a moment.

"Once the operation was complete, he was moved to coronary ICU. Almost immediately, it was clear that his body was not responding to the recovery. His abdomen was so bloated that the surgeons couldn't complete the closing stitches. His incision had to be covered with sterile gauze and left open. The internals drained into one bag on the side of his bed and always seemed to indicate infection. He had a catheter, of course, but the most difficult thing for him was the trach and feeding tube. He couldn't talk. The ventilator breathed for him."

Tashiki couldn't go on. The three of them sat in silence for several minutes, each in their own private meditation.

"Qindao," the Master said quietly, "tell me about the time you spent with him."

"Sensei, Tashiki and I have spoken about how honored we are to have been able to spend as much time with him as we did. 

"When we arrived, the situation was dire. Hiro had been downgraded from Critical to Grave. We thought his time had come. While we were there, though, he stabilized. He may not have been upgraded back to Critical, but we all saw that his mental will power was overcoming the failings of the body, and that there might be a chance for survival.

"We stayed a few days, but had to return to previous obligations. We made plans to return, and we did. This time, we stayed for a long time. We read tabloid news papers to him. We brought his cat into the room with him. We snuck beer into the room so he could taste it before the stomach tube sucked it out of him again. We watched sports on TV and generally had a party in his room. Many of his friends made the journey to visit, and local friends were always around.

"He wanted to see the outside. We disconnected his CICU bed from all the equipment, wheeled him to the elevator, and took him out onto the helipad. The CICU Nurse pumped the breathing bag for him as he watched the sun go down from 20 stories in the air."

Qindao trailed off with that image, now lost in his own thoughts again.

"So, what went wrong? asked the Master.

Tashiki started again, "It was the last part, the ascending aorta. He experienced a dissection in the ascending aorta. The arteries leading to the heart muscle itself were 85% blocked. His heart was being starved and suffocated."

"Was there no option?"

"No. The doctors believed that any additional surgery would kill him on the table."

"So, then what?"

Qindao this time, "The doctors explained that they could increase the Oxygen levels in the vent, but that eventually those levels would be so high that they would start causing damage. We agreed that that would be the deciding point. He would have all the chances we could give him, but once the treatment itself started causing harm, it would be time to let go.

"It seemed like a good plan. Our time to be with him was up and we had to leave again. We knew that there wasn't much time, if there was any at all, but we had to return and make additional arrangements.

"We said our goodbyes. We told him that we had go-bags sitting near the door of our apartment and that all he had to do was say the word and we would be back in a matter of hours. We kissed him on the forehead and said good bye."

"And that was it?"

Tashiki this time, "Yes, Sensei. The next day, he was not responding to the ventilator. He had slipped into unconsciousness. The O-2 levels had reached the point where the vent was killing him faster than the dissection. It was time."

"You were not there?"

"No, Sensei. We had said our peace the day before. We could not return in time."

"How did it happen?"

"At noon on February 27, 2002, after 90-something days in CICU, our family, his friends, the doctors, and nearly all the nurses who had quite literally fallen in love with him, gathered around his bed. They dosed him with pain meds and turned off the vent. We're told they stood around his bed in silence, only the monitors making noise. The heart-lung monitor slowly winding down. After 20 minutes, the main doctor told one of the nurses to shut it off. Ten minutes later, he called Hiro's death."

The Master closed his eyes for a few moments. "That is an honorable way to go."

More silence, and a refill of the tea.

"Qindao, you are the warrior student here, what do you miss about your brother?"

"I miss the things he thought. He wrote stories that haunt me. He took pictures that captured the essence of a thing or a place."

"And you, Tashiki? You are the scholar student. What do you miss?"

"I miss the things he did. He traveled. He lived in interesting places. He loved."

The Master smiled gently at his two students.

"You two must take away from this experience that as much as the two of you are two halves of the same man, Hiro is also a part of you. He always will be."

"Yes, Sensei."

*****
Thus endeth today's lesson. Let us meditate upon it.

In The Colors
Ben Harper And The Innocent Criminals

when your whole world is shaken
from all the risks we have taken
dance with me into the colors
of the dusk

when you have awoken
from all the dreams broken
dance with me into the colors
of the dusk

the paths we're walking on
crumble behind us
but if we leave now they will
never find us
and if this crazy world spins itself
down to dust
i want to be with you
in the colors

when you again start hoping
with your arms wide open
dance with me into the colors
of the dusk

and all will be right
dancing like water with the light
dance with me into the colors
of the dusk